Brevity
life is too fucking short
Wandering through facebook, checking e-mails for the 700th time, doing anything I need to do to avoid doing the homework that I’ve already been putting off all semester. I either need to get to it or take a C in class for simply not doing my work. How lame is that?
I’ll just check facebook one more time.
Hmmm, I wonder what happened at that horrible crosswalk again? They really need to get a light there, it’s sad the city just keeps letting people get hu- Died? Somebody died there tonight? Wow.
Hmmm, that’s interesting, two women walking…. Pat and Linda walk everywhere….”Woman identified as…..”, I need to read that again….
Nope. It can’t be Linda. I just saw her Saturday. We were talking about oranges. Joking about sizes of boxes, and pounds, comparing oranges to water. Must be the wrong name…. two women walking…. Linda….
I knew it was her. I didn’t really need to call her best friend to find out, but I did anyway. Then there are no words to even say what is running through my heart, my soul, my mind. I stammer the words, “Linda?”. Pat says, “yes.” Neither one of us knows what to say next. And I can’t believe that such a beautiful life was taken in such a way. Maybe Pat is wrong. I don’t say that, but I think that. Then Pat starts crying. “Please let me know if there is anything — anything — that we can do.”
Who can I scream at? Someone needs to hear my wrath! IT IS FUCKING UNFAIR! Are you kidding me?! What the fuck! Tears are streaming and I read the article AGAIN! It just simply CAN’T be true.Then I wonder why my reaction is so strong. She’s not family….
But she is, I slowly realize….. I have been talking to her at least once a week, usually more, for the last 5 years. All of my members are my family! And it feels like I’m hit by a 2x4 when I realize how lucky I am to have such a big family, supporting me, loving me, loving other members of our family. Our members come together in support when someone loses a spouse, when someone is injured, our members are family. How am I just now literally realizing the reality of this family?
How can I make God understand he made a mistake? I don’t want to lose anyone else, please! She needs to come back. She needs to Zumba one more time. She needs to return from Hawaii with stories of her families escapades. She needs to discuss Christmas gift idea with me again. I need to see her walking with Pat. I need to see her always smiling face walking in the door again. I need to hear her tell me about her grandchildren. I want to see her again. I want to tell her I appreciate her attitude, her smile, her eyes. I think she is beautiful. I’m proud of her. I think she’s too hard on herself. She has done a good job.
I put music on to ease the tension in my head. The first song to play? One of her favorite Zumba songs! So much for easing the tension. And one song after another tells part of the story of what I’m feeling.
Shock. Sadness. Anger. Frustration. Fear. Love. Gratitude. Guilt. Love. Really Big Anger. Heaviness. Shock. Love. Hope. Bitterness. Relief. Love.
And like a time-machine, I’m sucked back 22 years to November 1991.
The first time I felt that barrage of emotions in one nano-second.
I miss my brother. I don’t want to lose anyone else. I don’t want to be given the bull-shit line of “Everything has a purpose”. I don’t want to hear, “They are better off” or “They have work to do in Heaven.”
WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING WORK THEY HAVE TO DO HERE!
What about the lessons they can teach my daughter in the flesh? What about being Uncle Tommy right here and right now? What about being Grandma Linda this Christmas, as a real live Grandma and not a memory or a ghost!? I’m tired of the platitude comments said to pretend to make people feel better. BECAUSE I FUCKING DON’T FEEL BETTER! I’m sad. I’m mad. I don’t understand. I don’t understand…
I just want to give them a hug and tell them I love them.
Life is too fucking short.
