The Disappearing Act
I have realized how much my story of “not having enough time” has been playing in life. I have been struggling making the time for certain commitments in my life. And taking a step back to look at my life in an attempt to be accountable, the struggle is from this story of “not having enough time.”
A friend of mine and I had a heart to heart about it and this is what she shared with me: “My experience of you is disappearing, not hearing from you, not knowing where you are…. completely disappearing.”
Well, of course, in that moment of the conversation, I didn’t see it. My “story” back was I didn’t mean to, I must have missed that, I’m so sorry to leave you feeling that way, I was right here, I didn’t disappear, you changed the times, I did the best I could, well, if you hadn’t changed the times, no I didn’t get that message, are you sure that’s how you see it, and other blah, blah, blahs……
When I hung up, I realized I had heard an echo from that friend, an echo that has been around me my whole life. A pattern, now with a name. I will call it the Disappearing Act. When I was a child, I would disappear, literally. My mom would call the cops to find me, that’s how completely I could disappear. When I showed up again, I would say, “BUT I WAS RIGHT HERE!”. I knew where I was, why did anyone else need to know? This continued through high school. I met my husband shortly after, and I had a new person to repeat this pattern with. Well, now it was my husbands fault, how could he be so domineering that he wanted to know where I was ALL the FRICKIN time!? He must be a controlling husband, right? Rolling through life, I can look back now and see this pattern repeated. Co-workers, bosses, friends…. all loving me and wanting me to be okay, not knowing what was going on, yet still I disappeared.
I had a client a few months ago, who also witnessed this disappearance. This disappearance showed up through technology issues, time zone issues, family crisis, and other seemingly unrelated coincidences. At the time, I thought it was due to “leveling up”. A pattern that I had recognized in some previous instances of “leveling up” that I had labeled as chaos. We discontinued the coaching relationship, and although we are heart sisters, I have considered myself a failure for not being able to move up into that role. When I consider “trying” again, I think “I’m not strong enough” and bury my head again in “easy” work, stuff I know how to do and have become “bored” doing, but there are few disappointments…
And I realize that my lack of follow through and procrastination is closely related to this disappearing act…. Not following through on new contacts, procrastination on projects that would engage multiple people, etc. This is a way that I can “disappear” from those lives, from the role those tasks would require me to take……
Consider a moment in a movie, when there is a rushed close in to a face as that person realizes the plot of the story…..
The echo became clear. I disappear…. But when, but why….. OMG! My whole life! What kind of a chicken am I?! Am I really that weak that this has been my response to the world, to disappear, to run away, to not be available…..What am I afraid of? How could I not realize this until now? My husband’s not the one to blame for controlling me?! Is my life really that hard, that I need to disappear when the going gets tough? I thought I was one of the “tough get going” kind. OMG! Disappearing, running away, becoming unavailable, conveniently, whenever there was an important task at hand and never being called on the carpet — or maybe I wasn’t listening to the call before?
And as I am pondering this, as I am actually writing this, it becomes CRYSTAL clear.
My disappearing act is resistance…. Resistance to being enough…. Resistance to Receiving….. Resistance to LOVE itself….
If I didn’t disappear…. I would HAVE to receive the support my husband has been trying to give me, the love my mother has for me, the friendship my co-workers have been trying to reach out to me with, the love my peers are trying desperately to hand out to me UNCONDITIONALLY….. the MONEY that comes from SERVICES fully provided…… the ABUNDANCE that the universe has just simply been waiting to give me……
Now that I know I’ve become a professional performer of the disappearing act, the question is can I change jobs? Can I become a Professional APPEARER. Can I stay long enough to receive? Can I show up and RECEIVE from the wholeness of the universe? If I show up fully in life, I’ll have to/need to/get to receive love from those around me.
AND WHAT IF WHEN I STAY, I’M STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH OR SMART ENOUGH. What if when I stay and follow through, I still don’t have enough time, enough money, enough to offer?
And I take a big deep, buddha belly breath as I remember the Marianne Williamson quote and realize I’m actually afraid of my own light…. And what if it isn’t as big a light as I promised it would be when I chose this journey?
Tears commencing, so I take a break from this writing to do some word sleuthing, I love learning where words come from and their meaning….
ETYMOLOGY:
c.1300, from Old English genog, a common Germanic formation (cf. Old Saxon ginog, Old Frisian enoch, Dutch genoeg, Old High German ginuog, Germangenug, Old Norse gnogr, Gothic ganohs).
This is a compound of ge- “with, together” (also a participial, collective, intensive, or perfective prefix) + root -nah, from PIE *nek- “reach, attain” (cf. Sanskrit asnoti “reaches,” Hittite ninikzi “lifts, raises,” Lithuanian nešti “to bear, carry,” Latin nancisci “to obtain”).
My heart reads this and I instinctively know that the definition of the word “enough” for my journey is “Together Reaches”.
I realize this means that my heart and mind need to be together. I get to bring the pure and unconditional love of soul (heart) and intellectual ideas (mind) together — not one above the other, but the two working together. And now I understand, my journey is not alone. As a person (body), my journey is with others. Community. Together, my heart, mind, and body will reach community and as a whole, we learn we are enough, beginning with the individual understanding she is enough.
And then, lastly as I really reflect, my disappearing act is also an unconscious cry for my soul to have alone time. Alone time for my heart, mind and body to meld together instead of being distracted by the physical world around me. Alone time that would simply be too selfish to ask for, too incomprehensible to others around me who crave attention and physical touch, too alone for real togetherness, keeping my human vehicle in control of this situation…. Alone time that would allow me to begin receiving Love from my own soul, my own guides, my own intuition.
Am I willing to give up the performance of the Disappearing Act? It has served me until now. I don’t know how to perform any other acts. I might be too old to learn how to do it differently. This act is easy and rehearsed. There are lots of reasons to stay in this act. It just would be easier to pretend I didn't wake up to this realization.
Perhaps…. Or I could learn a new act. Just maybe it’s possible to begin writing and practicing the 2nd act. The one for the 2nd half of my life. The one where I’m present. The one where I have enough courage to be visible.
2014: Act 2: The Visability Gift
